That little voice in us all

December 23, 2008 at 6:20 am (Essay, Uncategorized, Writting)

            It’s hard to resist my own voice of doubt, its pessimistic nature seems to be at the front of my gray matter. “Nothing will ever turn out right for you. The universe is out to ruin you” so it likes to whisper in my ear. My personal Iago. No matter how much I try to counter with logic, like a forum troll, you’re able to deflect it by being persistent. In every missed opportunity you find victory, you revel in personal defeat. Misery is the Miracle Grow to self hate. 

            The time has come for me to get rid of its bemoaning voice, to kick it to the curb as they say. I look back but can’t pinpoint how the voice gained residency. Something tells me it’s a mixture of growing up with Catholic guilt and developing an overpowering Super Ego. It’s trapped my Id with in the walls of fear, shyness with all her grace kept me in check.

            With Post-modern savvy, the 4th wall will be open up to give my Id the glimpse of a world it has only dreamt about. No longer will it aggress passively under the thumb of my inner boy scout. I’ll opt for it to run its course, give into its nature and not suffer it to dwell and grow so stagnate that outsiders avoid my company.

            This seems like a broken record, a skipping CD but one of these days the whimsy of determination will stick. I can only hope to use my words like darts to target such foolish self insecurities. Obliterating them like a bear soaked cork dart board at the back of the pub.


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